The First Family is not in the White House, it’s in your House
As American citizens we have been raised with the concept that the “First Family” refers to the family of the President of the United States, which resides in Washington D.C. in what we refer to as the “White House”. This is an important honor we give the presiding President and his family as we recognize their leadership, position of authority and convey respect for their family. Thus, when I say, “the First Family is not in the White House, it’s in your house”, it is in no way intended to disrespect or take anything away from the honor of the office of our President. Rather, it is an attempt on my part to use this well known metaphor to catch the attention of parents and drive home a message about the importance of their role in raising their kids as the best means of preventing them from joining gangs.
To illustrate the importance of the role of parents, I am reminded of a conversation I had one day as I was attending the birthday party of one of my church members’ children. The Grandfather of the child was there and as we were sitting together, we had the following exchange:
“Richard, I want to ask you a question. A lot of kids in this community listen to you and with all the problems we are having with gangs and violence and these kinds of kids, why don’t you get them all together and talk to them?” I replied, “Well that would certainly be helpful and I have and will continue to do that. But, I don’t think that is really the best way to handle this situation”. He looked at me somewhat puzzled and said, “What do you mean?” I replied, “Well, since you are a gardener by profession; let me put it to you in a way that I know you will understand. If you walked by your neighbors garden and saw that the flowers were all wilted, dry and dying, who would you rather talk to, the flowers or the gardener?” With that a smile broke out on his face and in Spanish he told me that I was right and had a made a good point that he really had not considered before. I explained to him that our children were like the flowers in our garden and the parents were like the gardeners, and if we really wanted to make the best and most effective prevention impact, it would be the work done with “gardeners”, more than just the “flowers”. Thus, the first hand experience I have gained throughout my 25 plus years of working with gang members and at-risk Latino youth & families has lead me to the conclusion that parent-child relationships are the key to prevention. This may seem too simple and obvious, but as I continue to examine and study these problems and talk with those involved in gangs or considered “at-risk” for joining a gang, it usually comes right down to the parent-child relationship, or lack thereof, that is at the root of these problems.
I realize this point of view puts a lot of pressure on parents and lays much of the carcass of blame at their feet, and although I do not believe the parents are always to blame for every child who goes astray, I do think that if we parents are willing to take part of the credit for the success of our children, we ought to be just as willing to accept part of the blame when our children fail. This does not mean that the parent is a bad person, negligent, or abusive. But what I have found is many parents have simply never really learned many of the things I discuss and teach in my book and gang prevention curriculum, Parents on a Mission. Those who have learned these things and practice them, in most cases, have healthy relationships with their kids who are leading productive lives.
All of us have the same needs to be accepted as we are, loved for who we are, and given attention, dignity, respect, and self-worth. We all have a need for the emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual parts of our lives being nurtured and built up to their inherent potential. I suggest it is this fundamental understanding that is often overlooked when looking for solutions for children and teens that are joining neighborhood street gangs. Contrary to popular belief, kids want to respect their parents and live in a healthy, happy relationship with them. But almost all of the gang members I have talked with did not have it and were really broken hearted about it. It became the hole in their hearts that they have tried to fill with gangs, drugs, alcohol, sex and other negative stuff that just does not fill that hole, no matter how hard and long they have tried to fill it with these other things. I would even go so far as to say that even “good” kids who are successful in sports, academics, or other socially acceptable things, yet don’t have a healthy, happy relationship with their parents, also have that same hole or emptiness of heart, and nothing, not even “success”, can fill it like the unconditional love and acceptance of a parent.
Thus, as we continue to search for answers to a number of issues regarding youth that are being heavily influenced by gangs, I suggest that one of the most important messages we can support is encouraging parent leadership in the home.
A number of years ago I was asked by a community group that was organizing a coalition to stop gang violence in South Santa Barbara County, to come and speak at a community forum on the causes of acts of violence by youth. As we all know, the gang lifestyle, among other things, includes acts of violence. In fact, the initiation for gang membership is an act of violence called getting “jumped in”, which is a short period of time (usually lasting a minute or two, or more in some cases) where a number of members of the gang beat up on the new member as a way of showing their toughness and desire to be a part of the gang. That in itself is bad enough, but as we know, the violence does not stop there. Thus, as I prepared for my talk, I began to think deeply and draw upon all the knowledge and insight I had gained from listening to so many gang members tell me their story and their reasons for doing the things they were doing.. What I eventually came up with to share that day, has become a foundational theme I speak on every chance I get in my desire to help families and communities address the root issues of gangs and youth violence. The following is the thought I shared that day:
“Acts of violence are caused by an angry heart and an angry heart is produced by unresolved injustices (real or perceived) that young people experienced as victims usually in their own homes.”
These “unresolved injustices” can range from sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse suffered from any number of family members in the privacy of the home. My goal in writing to parents (and those who work with parents) is to inspire us to take a moment to look inside our own hearts and be honest about any injustices we may have been a part of, and then provide instruction on how to turn our hearts towards our children, and find the strength to deal with these unresolved issues that our children may have been carrying in their hearts for years. I know this is not easy and can be very uncomfortable, but if we can find the courage or professional help to take this loving action, I know it will make a great difference in preventing kids from joining gangs, and/or successfully intervening to cause our kids already in a gang to quit and leave the gang more than any other single factor! I know this to be true because I have done it with my own kids and so many other youth have told me it is true, over and over again in Juvenile Hall cells, prison cells, letters, school class rooms, counseling sessions, and various other public and private settings. Thus, the single best thing any community can invest in to prevent kids from joining gangs is building up and empowering the parents in the community.
