Gang Prevention Guidelines for Parents

Balancing Authority with Humility 

1. Decide that a good relationship is more important than being “right”. 

As parents we must set the example of humility to our kids.  We need to be willing to re-think what we have done.  The words we used, the way we reacted to a difficult situation.  Even after we re- think it all, we may still conclude that we were “right”.  But this is not enough, or the important point, because our child has not accepted our position and is obviously upset about something.  At this point many parents take the attitude of “too bad, they will just have to get over it”.  But oftentimes they don’t.  Instead they harbor resentment and begin to disrespect us as “adults”.  Not because they think they are always right, but because we do.  Usually, kids know when they are in the wrong, but what they are reacting to is our disrespect for their views and a valuing of their development process as teenagers.  After all, didn’t most of us make the same mistakes we are now upset about, that they have repeated?  Does that have something to do with our negative, intolerant reaction?  Are we more concerned with our image as parents with others, than we are with the natural growth process of our children?  Isn’t the more important issue the fact that our child is not happy with how we have handled their mistakes?  What are we going to do with that?  At this juncture, I suggest that we need to think beyond who is right or wrong, and consider if there was not a better way to handle the situation that will allow our kids to maintain their sense of self- respect, without side stepping the issue of wrong behavior.

Maybe we need to go back and listen a little more to their side of things and make them feel understood, even if we don’t agree.  All of this is done because we want to have a good relationship and maintain our role as the prime authority figures in their lives.  My experience tells me that most kids will respond to this type of exercising our authority and they will respect us for our humility, fairness and willingness to hear them out. The bottom line is that the clear message we are sending them is that we value them as individuals and want a healthy and meaningful relationship with them that goes beyond just always having to be right.

 

 2. Admit when you are wrong and apologize 

     After practicing the “art of listening”, both with my own kids and those I have worked with over the years, I discovered that I was often wrong in my thoughts, words and deeds, plain and simple, no excuses or explanations.  It usually was a result of jumping to conclusions and/or reacting out of anger.  I discovered I was wrong in two ways. First, my conscience was bothering me in the way I had handled the situation.  Second, I went back under more control of my anger and listened.  As my kids would tearfully explain how they felt and explained their reasoning and views, only my pride would keep me from admitting to myself, and to them, that I was in the wrong.  Usually my error was in the way I handled the situation, and sometimes in my judgment of the situation, yet both called for the humility to say that I was wrong, apologize and ask for forgiveness.

I recall one time after my three oldest kids (Five in all) had become teenagers that I needed to apologize for some of the mistakes I had made with them as I was in a time of personal growth and could see that they were beginning to resent the way their younger siblings were benefiting from it.  I was more patient, understanding, lenient and flexible.  I had a short meeting with them and started to share my heart and apologize for what they had to experience with a younger and less experienced father.  I know I was not abusive, but overly strict and intolerant in ways that I knew had probably bruised their hearts in some ways.  As I turned to my oldest son (Who is my step-son, but who I have raised since he was two years old) and apologized for disciplining him too harshly at times, he begin to break down and cry.  Until that moment I had not really realized how much I had bruised his heart and he obviously had been carrying this in his heart.  I could feel and see that a healing was taking place in his heart towards me and all I could do was hug him and cry and apologize.  Up to that time, we had a good relationship, but after that I know it was deepened and better than ever before and remains so today.

I cannot remember a time that this sincere humility I have demonstrated to either gang members I was working with or with my own children, was rejected and did not elicit the same admission from them of their wrong and the offering of an apology. When children witness authority figures admit to their mistakes and apologize for them, it goes along way in establishing a respect for you and ultimately your authority.

 

  3. Be Flexible, Fair and Firm 

The ability of parents to be flexible in exercising their authority gives them a lot of credibility and favor with their growing children.  It symbolizes that you recognize they are growing up, are willing to bend the rules as a form of allowing them to earn trust and demonstrates that you understand that the “spirit” of the law is more important than the “letter” of the law.  What has helped me with this aspect is to know the difference between mistakes or accidents and defiance or willful disobedience.  As parents sometimes we can be guilty of “choking on the ant, but swallowing the Camel”.  In other words, we make the little things big things and the big things little.  And for some reason, kids are very tuned in to this kind of unfairness or injustice and have a keen sense of what is a mountain and what is a mole hill.  This is why it is a good practice to include your kids (10 years and older) in deciding what the consequences are for both good and bad behavior.  A lot of times I was pleasantly surprised at the punishment they deemed for themselves as I was not going to be as strict as they were on themselves.  But, we agreed to their terms and they were respectful of “our” decision.  I think the key here is that kids know that you have the final word, yet you are allowing them to judge themselves and this is where you can gain respect, earn loyalty and create emotional bonds that pay big dividends later on down the road when it counts.  There are times when one must be firm, and there are times when mercy and grace are called for and the wise parent will learn when to exercise them in a timely manner.  This takes perception, insight, knowledge, and experience but it also requires the ability to listen to your kids to learn how to discern different situations.  Through being flexible, fair and firm we open up the opportunities to develop character, increase the level of the relationship and cease moments for a lesson in leadership and the proper use of authority.